At Home Plate

Written by Paul Keen (Contact & Archive) on June 23, 2008

The Cubs are without a doubt the biggest disgrace to our American Past time. They are degenerates who have brought more shame to the United States than Joseph McCarthy, Benedict Arnold, and Barry Bonds combined. How have they done this? Very simple. They have embraced losing as an acceptable way of life.

I am not a man who embraces or condones competition as a means of self-validation. In fact, I am the least competitive person I know. I am never ever out to win first place in anything. The flip side? I can’t stand being last. I can’t stand being known as the loser. The Cubs fans can accept being the loser. And unless they can pull off some sort of a miracle this year, it will be 100 years of living the loser lifestyle with lust for it to linger.

My hatred for the Cubs goes back to 2003, when I still adored the Boston Red Sox. Both the Cubs and the Red Sox had had a hard Post-Season. A wayward fan delighted Miami by sticking his glove out way too soon, and Grady Little kept in Pedro Martinez. Martinez’s pitching was poor. It was piss poor. He didn’t need to hit the showers that night. Little needed to find a quiet spot in Fenway Park, tie Pedro to a tree, and let him join the ranks of Ol’ Yeller. That’s how miserable it was.

This is not the first time in history that a fan interfered with a game, or a manager made a terrible call, but when you’re dealing with curses people pay attention.

I was sitting in my living room in Athens, Georgia, when I happened across a documentary. It should be known that the Cubs have a legion of celebrity fans that rival the Los Angeles Lakers. Amongst this band of demons is one of the most evil men to ever tread the streets of Chicago. Mr. Bryant Gumbel. Prior to this documentary, I had little to no opinion of Bryant. If you asked me about him ten minutes before I saw the film, I might even say something positive about him. However, all of that was about to change. The question came up in the documentary, who knew the pain of losing more. Gumbel, the heathen scumbag he is, stated it was the Cubs. He claimed that the Red Sox had been to World Series since 1918. He cited that they had had league championships and division championships, and that he would love to have had the record that Boston had had. He said they didn’t know the pain of losing.

This meant war.

The Red Sox, even though they are on top now, had a long legacy of snatching defeat from the jaws of victory. They had even had the World Series Championship Trophy physically in their locker room in 1986, only to have it quickly removed upon the blunder of Mr. Buckner. To quote Field of Dreams, it would kill some people to come that close to their dreams and not touch it. Bryant Gumbel, that is the pain of losing.

But to come back to how evil Cubs fans are, I don’t think the Cubs fans truly do know the pain of losing for one simple reason. They don’t really care if they lose. For those who live in the Windy City and are familiar with the Friendly Confines, they don’t mind being dead last.

My suggestion? Ban them from the World Series. This is a club that has been plagued, by goat or by front office, with a long history of being losers and not a hint of outrage. So let the Cubs play by all means, but just forbid them from winning a World Series. Get Bud Selig on the phone and tell him the Cubs flat out don’t deserve it. Chicago will survive. They still have the White Sox, and from my understanding, Southern Illinois is far more interested in what the Cardinals are doing anyway. So like with Napoleon and his bizarre takes on life, let’s let the Cubbies live, but exile them from a sport they don’t deserve to be in. At least Napoleon cared about winning.

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